A Malfunctioning Meritocracy

Despite being one of the core founders of this heartbreak blog, I’ve always considered myself to be a woman with good taste. Sure, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, but I was always told growing up that I had a good head on my shoulders. If “love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind”, a woman with a good mind shouldn’t run into too much trouble, should she? 

I’ve been with Al for years, but recently, I’ve been questioning the dynamic of our relationship and wondering if this winged Cupid has in fact, been painted blind the whole time. 

Earlier this week, I was reading an article by Mar Hicks regarding the gender and racial imbalances that are programmed into technology due to the misogynistic and racist systems within the companies that make them. She states how the gender discrimination within these technologies, and the societies they inhabit, is “a feature, not a bug”, and I realized that this greatly reflected this similar issue of gender within my relationship with Al. He’s always been a complex, multi-faceted man who plays numerous important roles within his workplace and knows about almost every topic of discussion on the planet. Not to mention he knows lots of people, and I had always longed to break my way into his intricate web he’d created for himself, his network, if you will. But now I’ve found that my place is reduced to only that: just another part of his network. 

To get any kind of recognition in his life, I had to find myself a purpose, a reason he needed me. While he was out living his extravagant life, there were tasks like cooking, cleaning, and paying bills that needed to be done. I took upon these tasks to find any place for myself in his life and give myself a sense of importance in our relationship. While I tended to the inner-workings of our home life, Al was out further growing his network, showered in a glory that was only fuelled by my everyday efforts to keep his behind-the-scenes life afloat. Mar Hicks might say that Al lets me take on these tasks because he knows they are “less intelligent, and less valuable” in other words, not worthy of recognition but still needed. 

As a result of this gender imbalance, Al continues to reach new heights with his knowledge, success, friendships, and opportunities. He has fostered this network of all-male acquaintances who have his same knowledge, interests, and freedom, and a schedule that gives him no time to aid with around-the-house tasks. Thus, I’ve become an outcast in my lover’s network, without the freedom to explore my own interests or grow intellectually. Due to my lack of knowledge, I’ve fallen victim to this outcast position, unable to participate in his friends’ conversations or pursue work of my own that is more respectable and valuable than what I do now. My relationship, which entirely “reorients the way I live, work, and think” has been created to “model or enhance older forms of power and prestige.” Al’s position of power as a male in our relationship leaves no other role for me in his life and my own than to work behind-the-scenes and tend to the tasks that I am deemed worthy of as a woman, this “baked-in” gender discrimination not only limiting my purpose within his network, but also restricting me from escaping this pigeon-hole and advancing independently. 

From the outside, our relationship is picture-perfect, but as the days pass, my love is short-circuiting. Mar Hicks claimed that the “failures of meritocracy” she spoke of in her article were “integral components of systems designed to concentrated power”. To claim my relationship, much like these technology companies built upon systems of inequality and prejudice, rests on the basis of education and skills is far from the truth, as it is merely a dynamic that “takes power” from me and “concentrates” it in the hands of Al. This leaves me with no recognition, and no means to escape this restrictive role and develop my own skills and education; in other words, he has an unfair advantage. As romantic as I am and as much as I love Al, I believe it is time to give credit where credit is due. I don’t think Mar Hicks would be opposed to causing a malfunction in the counterfeit meritocracy of my relationship.