Revenge of the Old Boyfriend

As I’ve begun to really put this “meritocracy malfunction” into place, I decided to do some digging. I say “digging” metaphorically, but in truth, the experience has felt very close to literal for me. 

As I unravelled this gender power imbalance in my mind and began to question my decision to stay in this relationship, as well as my relationship as a whole, other question regarding Al himself have risen. For a moment, my mind was grappling with the realization of this gender power imbalance, as well as my feelings and love for Al, which, despite the dynamic of our relationship, are still very much present. 

But then I started to wonder: who is it really that I love? Regardless of his manipulative tactics, he is really an interesting and talented man; in turn, he’s quite easy to idealize. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a smart woman, and I often blamed myself for losing much of my sense in my infatuation with Al. As frustrated as I am with him currently, the man is like a walking Pinterest board, and I’m beginning to believe that it’s not a coincidence. I am admittedly the type to romanticize in all areas of my life, often wasting my days away putting together boards on Pinterest to paint a visual of my ideal lifestyle, while in reality, I am simply wasting away on my coach while my real, physical life behind my screen remains more or less the same. Kate Wagner the author of the article “404 Page Not Found” discusses “technological cannibalism” and how the new internet “capitalizes on nostalgia while eating away at the old internet”. In this case, the nostalgia presents itself as more of an idealism, and it “eats away” at my connection to and appreciation for my reality. Unfortunately, a similar dynamic is present in my relationship with Al. Without fail, every time I’m upset with Al or questioning our relationship, he swoops in with some grandiose date night, whether it’s eating at a restaurant I’ve always dreamt about going to, watching an old movie, or something else suspiciously trendy, like Lego dates or painting picnics. It’s always sweet, timed perfectly, and oddly… aesthetic? It’s like he knows how to play my lover girl heartstrings and lull me back into a state of bliss where I forget my concerns regarding our relationship. In fact, it’s always scarily reminiscent of the Pinterest boards I share with him frequently, and in a way, does play to a sense of nostalgia that I have for past relationships, lovers, and the classic idea of love that my romantic soul can’t help but yearn for. I used to think it was thoughtful, but now I’m worried that it’s just a cover-up, a method of “capitalizing” on my idealization and “eating away” any doubts that I may have. I’m feeling a sense of dread as I type this; not to be dramatic, but has my relationship become a capitalistic meritocracy? 

In addition to the realization of Al’s strategically aesthetic romantic gestures, I also did some digging through what Oliver Misraje, the author of “The Internet is a Graveyard” might call his “digital remains”. I discovered that he used to write a blog called “Revenge of the Old Boyfriend”, where he recorded his journey in weaponizing his girlfriends’ Pinterest boards and romantic, idealistic personalities to create an image for himself as the perfect boyfriend. I can’t even credit him for “capitalizing” off of aesthetics and profiting off of one’s yearning for an aesthetic, fairytale version of love from the past, because Pinterest truly did it first. Capitalistic internet nostalgia is one thing, but when your boyfriend is the embodiment of this strategic aestheticism, it’s a whole different story. To battle with a virtual idealistic paradise on Pinterest is a struggle in itself, but when this idealism infiltrates into reality via your manipulative boyfriend, making it harder to decipher the real from the fake even BEYOND the screen, that’s where the real problem starts. 

I think, just to garner as much of a perspective on my relationship dynamic as possible, and discover my boyfriend’s true intentions, I’m going to do some more digging. This virtual ghost of Al’s past lives on in these unfortunate relics of time I’ve  uncovered through his digital footprint. Though he presents himself as a walking Pinterest board, I know there’s a bug there somewhere, a glitch that will prove that he is just too good to be true. Perhaps, in planting his “virtual remains”, he was digging his own virtual grave.